The Victoria

To those who want to own a pub, keep riff-raff out and still attract the pretentious who have more money than sense, here are some golden rules for you:

• Place a random sculpture outside, to most it will look like a bronze turd, to your target market a beautiful work of art.
• Have a 'magicians' curtain round the entrance, this will give your customer a feeling of amazement when they walk in.
• Charge at least £5 for a liqueur, then put a service charge on it.
• Leave posh sounding cookery books piled up to buy on a table and place a premium on the signed copies. Don't forget to place a random glass vase next to them.
• All snacks must be served from jars and given out on a tiny dish. Again, don't forget the service charge.
• Place at least two candles on each table.
• Now and again, spend some time walking around loudly fluffing cushions.
• Start a traditional wood fire. It doesn't matter if your flue is inadequate, your self-important customers will accept the clouds of wood smoke as something rather chic.

This place tries so hard to be something it's not. If I were in Mayfair, I'd expect stupid prices and good service. For a place based in a tiny backstreet in Sheen with below average staff it's a complete rip-off.
-Alex

Got here about half an hour before the others this evening but this may have been the fact that it is in the middle of suburbia, at one point I was expecting the road I was driving on to just....stop. unbelievably this place has to be the most expensive place we have been to in either the Richmond or Kingston pub guides, for a standard shot and mixer to be over £5 and then add a percentage charge to all food orders, including a tray of chilli bar snacks, this venue appears to think they are trading in the centre of the city not the outskirts of a suburb. Having a £16+ round when only one alcoholic drink out of 4 is being purchased is a definite deterrent from coming back here again, if you have a small island to mortgage then you probably could have this as your local, but otherwise I would recommend heading elsewhere.
-Andrew

Pub facilities / features: Food served Bar snacks Wine menu Real ale WiFi Outside seating
Amaretto & coke, pint of coke x2, orange juice, chilli snacks: £16.35 (!)	Alex - 3.1 Andrew - 2.0 Dave - 3.6 Oliver - 4.0

The Hare & Hounds

A gastro family orientated pub.  Has a strange feeling of emptiness, probably due to the hugeness of the whole place, giving it that distinct lack of character  There's a strange cocktail lounge for 'private parties', that you can privately hire.  If you're wanting a good time, for the love of god, please go into Richmond town.
Food looked okay, although steep prices for a place that feels like a foyer.  Very, very ordinary.  Zzz...
-Alex

Pub facilities / features: Food served Bar snacks Wine menu Real ale Scrabble
Amaretto & coke, orange & lemonade, Feel Good juice: £9.61	Alex - 4.0 Dave - 5.4 Oliver - ?

Rose of York

This place is huge, it's essentially a hotel first and a pub second. A beautiful building set over a stunning view over the Thames (if you get the right table).
We expected a rather quiet evening - being as it were a Tuesday and it not being in the best location from the centre. What we didn't expect was an atmosphere similar to a library on Christmas eve. There was only one librarian working, and he had replaced all the books with 1950's looking beverages.
I had no idea what I was ordering with their fancy calligraphy bottles, so fruit juice it was. We walked out to the garden, being the only ones out there, in the dark, with moths flying round our heads we didn't really stay out there for long. Moving inside to opposite the bar, the only sound to be heard came from the humming refrigerator. For the next two hours we sat there, bored out of our skulls.
On a side note - to all those thinking about staying at the Rose of York - please be aware breakfast is served at 11pm the night before, this includes all cutlery, cereals and orange juice (it might be a little warm if you leave it to the morning).
-Alex

Pub facilities / features: Food(?) served Real(?) ale Outside seating Carpark
Orange juice, apple juice, coke: £5.10	Alex - 3.0 Dave - 4.0 Oliver - 2.0

The Dysart Arms

From the outset, my expectations of this 'pub' were quite high. I've driven been past a few times and it has always looked quite appealing, given the Tudor-like architecture and views over Richmond Park.
After almost running over a few geriatric joggers, we pulled up into the car park and walked round to the front. We were welcomed by two huge windowless wooden doors, no clue to if this was the right way in. Once inside it's instantly clear this is not a pub at all. It's a restaurant that serves a beer or two. There are no soft furnishings apart from cushions on the wooden chairs, the tables are either covered in cutlery or leaflets, and the lighting is subdued and candlelit. There's some whining jazz music being piped out in the background and a full sized piano in the corner (I can imagine it not sounding brilliant with all the hard flooring and walls).
We walked up to what can only be described as a counter, where apart from Adnams, it wasn't obvious what beverages were actually available. Upon request, a heavily accented German guy pointed to each tap and said something incoherent, after the second try at this, we just opted to point at a tap with hope it was something drinkable.
Due to the uncomfortable atmosphere, cluttered tables and wanting an area that wasn't invading someone's dinner party, we ended up sitting outside in the cold until Andrew arrived.
The Dysart Arms hopes to cater for those who like to pretend they are a class above the rest. To everyone else it's yet another characterless gastro.
-Alex

I wondered when I arrived why Alex and Oliver were sitting outside when it had quite clearly been raining earlier in the day. I got their orders and made my way inside to get the round in, and found first the unwelcoming solid wooden door with no windows, at first I thought it was a wall decoration and had a quick glance at the side of the building for the actual entrance, alas there was none and realised this was it. Went to the bar and had a look about while I waited to be served and the decor here was, well, plain. Stone floor, tiled walls, plain wood tables and chairs it was neutral colours all over. After looking at the drinks list (there was no other way to see what was on offer) I returned to the others with the drinks. When it was time for the next round we decided that it was too cold to sit outside anymore so headed in and I found the atmosphere as bland as the decoration, some jazz being quietly piped in around the place but that was about it. I doubt that I will choose to come here again.
-Andrew

Pub facilities / features: Food served Wine Menu Some Real Ale WiFi Outside seating Car park Depressing impersonal service
Two pints of Staropramen, orange juice: £9.10	Alex - 3.9 Andrew -3.0 Oliver - 2.8

The Bull

Very much aimed at the younger market (mainly 18 year old girls, judging by the running and loud screams coming from the WC), The Bull quite frankly feels seedy and cheap. From it's horrible external brown matt paint, to its tacky internal Christmas lights, it is one I recommend to avoid.
Andrew was already drinking at a small table when Oliver and I arrived. Greeting him with some sci-fi DVD's, he unexpectedly got quite excited and managed to kick his beer off the table.
After choosing from the boringly common selection of lager and bottled beers, we moved away from the beer mess and sat down towards the back (anywhere else just felt like we were on an adult film set). Here we were - trying to get comfortable on cigarette burnt plastic seats in a dark compartment, with the only source of light being a blurry BBC News 24 LCD screen and a candle. Not my idea of a good time.
At around 23:15 a bored barmaid walked over and told us "Can you leave, the place shut twenty minutes ago". Being at the back we downed our drinks and made our way quickly to the door, only to notice people still chatting away and we were the only ones leaving... what's that about!?
The Bull does serve a purpose though, it keeps the riff-raff out of the nice bars.
-Alex

This is not so much as Pub as more a Club that’s open during the day, and the atmosphere does not change throughout. The seating areas are quite varied, while waiting for the others I was on a sofa with a low height table which was okay until you go to cross your legs and kick your drink over the edge. We relocated at this point to a more of a diner cubicle style area but the issue with this was that they had fit 4 of these into an area the really should have only had 3, this meant that not only was the gap to sit in quite narrow (something I admittedly had an issue with finding a comfortable sitting position in) but sitting opposite someone meant you were practically interlocking legs. While this works probably when talking to the opposite sex on a busy Saturday night, 3 blokes having a quiet drink on a Tuesday proves this is not a good design.
-Andrew

Pub facilities / features: Bad phone reception Hospital food smells better Bar snacks? Forget it.
Pint of Fosters, J2O, pint of Youngs, glass of house red wine: £8.35	Alex - 2.0 Andrew - 5.2 Oliver - 5.0