Lass O' Richmond Hill

A big out-of-towner, the Lass still holds it's looks and furnishings of a traditional English pub, but unfortunately that's where the familiarity ends.  Many of the staff are Polish, one that served us had a look about him that if you so much as looked unsatisfied with your order, he'd wait until you left to go home, silently follow you out, then punch your stomach in half and calmly return to the bar as if nothing happened.  The tacky plastic Weatherspoon-style food menus don't do the place any favours either.
Apart from us, there was only about five other people.  Food was advertised to finish at 10pm but probably due to the lack of customers, the chef went home early.  At quarter past 10 we we asked to finish drinking up, no last orders, nothing.  Well rubbish.
A few minutes before we left, we witnessed group of teenagers come in off the street and head over to the cigarette machine.  Not able to get it working, they asked the barman if they could have some change.  Strangely he made a sarcastic joke about them being only 15 before happily handing over the change, even counting loudly in song as each coin was fed into the machine.  Soon after, he came over and explained to us he charges one fag every time he does this, quickly adding "they are my friends".  Wow, that makes it all okay then, carry on Mr Polish guy(!)
-Alex

Pub facilities / features: Food served Bar snacks Real ale Carpark
Amaretto & coke, coke, J20: £7.02	Alex - 6.5 Dave - 4.3 Oliver - ?

B@1 (Be At One)

This is a typical weekend 'get pissed quick' launchpad before you go to a club.  For a Tuesday it was surprisingly busy.  Four girls dancing to the overly loud music with their camera phones in one hand, unlit fags and cocktails in the other, a group of guys blankly staring at their glasses not understanding how they came to be empty, and a drunk 40 year old propping up the bar, ogling over the women.
The place is tiny, I don't want to imagine how sweaty and hot it gets in there at a weekend, although they do have a basement if you really hate oxygen.  Upon entering we were greeted with an overly happy "Oh hey guys!  How are you!  How was your day!".  Yeah great, I really want to make small talk over this deafening raucous - just get me a drink!  The alcoholic drinks aren't cheap if you miss happy hour and the barman sucks, thinking it's cool to juggle an empty plastic cocktail shaker.  Even a ham-handed monkey could do that.
Due to the high prices and unable to make conversation, we left after one and returned to here.
-Alex

Pub facilities / features: Cocktails Happy hour Loud music
Zombie cocktail, orange juice: £6.80 + £1.50	Alex - 6.2 Andrew - ? Dave - 7.7 Oliver - 7.0

The White Swan

I loved this little pub, it is everything a pub should be.  Being located down a quiet lane nearest Twickenham Bridge, The White Swan is the place to go when you want to avoid all the riff-raff of the town centre.  There is little to disturb as you drink a pint of good old ale on the comfortable heated benches.  Good service comes with pair of gorgeous, friendly ladies.  A lot of emphasis seems to be put on their food, which I may come back and try at some point.  Strange to say it, but I hope it stays quiet and doesn't get ruined by any future popularity!
-Alex

Pub facilities / features: Food served Bar snacks Real ale Wine list Outside seating
Pint of London Pride, coke, J20, 2x pork scratchings: £8.10	Alex - 9.0 Dave - ? Oliver - ?

The White Horse

Dear Mr W. Horse,
Thank you for your hospitality on Tuesday the 3rd.  It's not often one gets to witness wonderfully pretentious, middle-class women discuss work, as they consume lettuce with a dainty fork.  I never realised how much strife these women had to endure on a daily basis with their clients.  It was rather upsetting to listen to.
The wonderful art dotted around your gastro is a sight to behold.  My associate summed it up quite poignantly when I asked him what he thought of the Kate Moss picture by the window, bluntly saying - "Shut up, I don't give a sh*t", before continuing to consume his bag of Tesco doughnuts.
Having noticed your website says the staff are both 'fantastic' and 'lovely', I was a little disappointed in the reality.  The faces I witnessed were showered with worry and discontent, perhaps someone of working-class calibre had inadvertently stumbled into the place?  Worth looking into lest it happens again.
We ordered a few bags of your posh crisps and I must say they do have quite a unique taste.  The favour of clay injected into dried frogs pallet is a secret recipe that should remain a secret for generations to come.
I'd like to say I'd come back again, but with you being located on such a ridiculous little road where the majority of cars are actually bigger than the houses, I am regretfully forced to reconsider - for fear of grazing my Bentley, of course.
Yours sincerely,
-Alex

Pub facilities / features: Food served Bar snacks Real ale WiFi Outside seating Carpark of death
2x Amaretto & coke, orange juice & lemonade, J20: £11.20	Alex - 4.5 Andrew - ? Dave - 5.0 Oliver - 4.7

The White Cross

Another fine Young's pub.  The White cross never has a quiet moment, the summer months see this as the busiest place in Richmond for a riverside drink.
Staff were pretty good, except one barman who seemed to be in a state of narcosis, having to dumbly recount our order twice before totalling it up at the till. Plenty of places to sit, both upstairs and downstairs.  Attracts a good crowd, no lager louts or football crowds here.  Bloody good beer.  Food was on the bit of the expensive side, but the toilets were nice.
-Alex

Pub facilities / features: Food served Bar snacks Real ale WiFi Outside seating
Pint of Fosters, pint of Young's Special, coke, J20: £10.57	Alex - 8.3 Andrew - ? Dave - 6.4 Oliver - 8.0

Watermans Arms

Set in an alleyway just up from the river, this charming Victorian pub is one of the oldest in Richmond, and it certainly hasn't lost any of it's character.  From hourly chiming clocks, little trinkets above the bar, warm log fire, and a beautiful Golden Retriever lolling happily on the carpet, it gives the place a nice homely feel.  Over in the corner, there's a framed photo of someone holding a huge fish over the bar - you have to admit it's a rather peculiar thing to bring to a pub.
Things picked up around 11pm as a few of the locals came in for a pint.  Apart from the locals there was brazen northern couple, they didn't by a drink, but there was a discussion about whether that the Jolly Roger was either associated with 'watchmakers' or 'gold merchants' over on the quiz machine (clue - it was the other option).
I could quite happily come back here in the future, only thing I'd change is to turn off that damn pervading Sky football.
-Alex

Pub facilities / features: Food served Bar snacks Real ale Outside seating
Pint of Guinness, pint of Young's Special, J20, cheese & onion crisps: £9.25	Alex - 8.8 Andrew - ? Dave - 8.3 Oliver -7.5

The Triple Crown

One for the locals.  Not the most remarkable of pubs but it does have a dartboard (first one I've seen in Richmond), two sports screens (burning a lovely shade of blue) and worn, patched up seats.  Being so close to the rugby ground, I had a bad feeling this pub was going to be a repeat of last weeks tacky Sun Inn - thankfully not the case.  Overall a nice place with good beer and service.
I just wish they didn't sell those disgusting 'Big D' brand of snacks.  You know the ones - so bad, you wouldn't even notice if someone had previously sampled them and put them back in the bag...
-Alex

Pub facilities / features: Food served Real ale Outside seating Dartboard Sport screens
Pint of London Pride, pint of Tea, J20: £7.10	Alex - 6.4 Dave - 6.5 Oliver - 7.0

Sun Inn

One for the rugby fans. This pub has so many photos and 'collectors items' that they've had to start nailing them to the ceiling. Looking around, I saw a pair of boots in a glass case allegedly worn by Jonny Wilkinson. If this were true he probably tried them on in a shop, thought they sucked, then the sales assistant eBayed them. There are also some horrifying photo-shopped pictures of someone being rugby tackled whilst smiling, and signed photo of a naked, fat man holding a trophy.
Please make note of The Sun Inn's four commandments (all of which are vocalised and posted throughout):

• Thou shalt not be served if you stand at the bar 'here'.
• Thou shalt not be less than 18 years of age to use the cigarette machine (just in case there are any under-age patrons having a pint).
• Thou must not use the supplied foot pedal to spin the Victorian sewing wheel under the table, replacement is uneconomical.
• Thou must listen to two classic 80's tracks of equal length at the same time. We care not that the vocal does not fit with the backing.

-Alex

Pub facilities / features: Real ale Outside seating Rugby
Kopparberg Pear Cider, orange juice & lemonade, J20, 2x Scamp Fries: £11.00	Alex - 5.9 Andrew - ? Dave - 5.1 Oliver - 2.0

Slug and Lettuce

In a dull, dull pub chain,
there was a dull, dull quiz.
On the dull, dull quiz,
there was a dumb, dumb quiz-master.
Over the dingy, dingy music,
The dumb, dumb quiz-master,
made spazzy disabled noises.
Over in the dull, dull restaurant,
two vegetables were served.
There was battered asparagus.
There was battered broccoli.
And then there was a depressed Andrew *snivel*.

-Alex

Pub facilities / features: Food served Real Ale Quiz night (Tuesdays)
Pint of Guinness, pint of London Pride, J2O, orange & lemonade: £10.95	Alex - 4.9 Andrew - ? Dave - 5.9 Oliver - 6.0

The Shakespeare

A mile out of town, next to Sainsbury's. Apparently this little pub attracts very little business apart from Fridays when they have karaoke on, woo(!)
When we arrived the barmaid was gossiping to her friend on phone and very surprised she had some customers, she kindly finished her call gave us some drinks and put on some music.
We soon learnt there was a another patron in the garden at the back. Not a regular, just some strange middle-aged business woman who had been drinking wine since work closed. It was quite clear how drunk she was when she shouted the name of the current song before ordering another drink; "Staying Alive, get me another drink!!". Twenty minutes later she said her goodbyes and proceeded to take her car keys out of her handbag. The barmaid offered her cab, but she just slurred "I'll be okay" and staggered out the pub. Never to be seen again, I don't suppose!
We spent the rest of the evening playing pool with some chipped, hexagon like balls.
-Alex

Pub facilities / features: Real Ale Pool table Outside seating Karaoke (Fridays)
Pint of Fosters, pint of Guinness, J2O: £8.60	Alex - 6.2 Andrew - ? Dave - 6.5

Rose of York

This place is huge, it's essentially a hotel first and a pub second. A beautiful building set over a stunning view over the Thames (if you get the right table).
We expected a rather quiet evening - being as it were a Tuesday and it not being in the best location from the centre. What we didn't expect was an atmosphere similar to a library on Christmas eve. There was only one librarian working, and he had replaced all the books with 1950's looking beverages.
I had no idea what I was ordering with their fancy calligraphy bottles, so fruit juice it was. We walked out to the garden, being the only ones out there, in the dark, with moths flying round our heads we didn't really stay out there for long. Moving inside to opposite the bar, the only sound to be heard came from the humming refrigerator. For the next two hours we sat there, bored out of our skulls.
On a side note - to all those thinking about staying at the Rose of York - please be aware breakfast is served at 11pm the night before, this includes all cutlery, cereals and orange juice (it might be a little warm if you leave it to the morning).
-Alex

Pub facilities / features: Food(?) served Real(?) ale Outside seating Carpark
Orange juice, apple juice, coke: £5.10	Alex - 3.0 Dave - 4.0 Oliver - 2.0

Roebuck

Oh my days, this is like a pub, in Richmond, it’s like on the Hill. And there’s like loads of American’s, and its soo cool right, because they’re all like under 21 and well excited because they can’t drink alchopops across the Atlantic yet.
I got fed up with their annoying accents after two minutes; they took over the whole god damn pub and we had to queue for ten minutes just to get a round in. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice pub, but that day just gave me a brain haemorrhage having to listen to the drivel of thirty kids shouting over each other.
One thing did amuse - one of the yanks pecked two girls on the cheek on the way to the toilet, randomly turned to us at the doorway, raised his eyebrow and nodded. OMG, that was so a Richmond Arms moment.
-Alex

One of the closest pubs to the park entrance right at the top of the hill i was assuming that this would be one of those ‘local’ pubs that will have a handful of regulars in on a Tuesday evening and that’d be about it. This was not the case as little did we know that this is just around the corner from a American university campus where term has just started and cue a ton of American students making the most of the drinking at 18, not 21 laws. This being the case the bar was rammed, at one point we were considering getting two rounds at once to save the wait time but every now and then a majority of the crowd went outside to the other side of the road before coming back in for their next rounds. Overall i quite liked this place, holds a good atmosphere with varying numbers of people inside however i would say they could do with the service area being a bit bigger to accommodate more customers at one time as the current setup seems to funnel people into an area that can really on comfortable hold 4 or 5 people so during busy times the crowd round the bar can come back a good few meters.
-Andrew

Pub facilities / features: Food served Bar snacks Real Ale
Pint of Guzzler, J2O, coke: £6.10	Alex - 6.6 Andrew - 7.2 Dave - 5.9 Oliver - 7.0

The Richmond Arms

Not quite what you’d expected in a pub – a spinning disco ball and flashing coloured lights on a Tuesday. We got our drinks from the very friendly barman and sat down in the corner. Oh look, a leaflet for a gay event at London Zoo, that’s nice. YMCA being played on the TV? That’s just an advert, it could happen anywhere. Hang on… where the hell are all the women in this place? Oh dear, are we where I think we are? Yes, we were.
There was this 68 year old man trying to chat up a bunch of young boys on another table, wondering which one of them was going to take him home. After some persuasion and disturbing conversation, they all left together.
A few handlebar-moustache guys came and went. We played Monopoly on the quiz machine. Two girls did eventually come in, but as usual fantasy is nothing like reality, one was anorexic the other was rather butch.
We left with the barman bidding us ‘loves’ farewell and frustrated we didn’t notice the pink union-jack blowing in the breeze when we went in.
-Alex

Didn’t quite realise what demographic this pub was aimed at straight away, as Alex mentioned, did not pay much attention to the outside decor when I arrived as I was running a little late. When I got to the pub I found the others and got myself a drink and only after a short while it was evident that we were in a gay pub. To be fair the evidence was clearly obvious if you take only a second to have a look around, especially the pink union jacks, but we’re not prejudice and stayed for the rest of the evening, sampled practically every flavour of crisps that were on offer.
Overall, a nice enough pub but not for me.
-Andrew

Pub facilities / features: Outside seating Bar snacks Disco disco
Pint of Fosters, J2O, pint of Amstell, coke, five bags of crisps: £15.65	Alex - 6.9 Andrew - 5.0 Dave - 5.6 Oliver - 5.0

The Red Cow

One of the busiest places we’ve come to visit since we’ve started the blog, very much a puller for the locals. From wannabe drunk opera singers, to fat old ladies knitting away in the corner, we were slightly worried we might be sitting at someone’s favourite table when we found somewhere to sit down.
Tuesday night is pub quiz night so we thought we’d have a go. Got half way and gave up, we were that rubbish. I did like the free sandwiches that were going round though.
The three of us stayed late into the night with a few games of dominoes, before going home and removing our pipe and slippers.
-Alex

1. It was over crowded, 2. It was expensive, 3. The quiz was sh*t, 4. The free sandwiches that were offered were salad based, and the other tables got ham sandwiches, 5. The football sucked.
-Dave

Pub facilities / features: Food served Real ale Sports screen WiFi Outside seating
Pint of Youngs, J2O, coke: £6.60	Alex - 7.5 Dave - 5.3 Oliver - 6.0

The Princes Head

On the corner of Richmond Green, an average sized pub with half a dozen tables along the outside walls.
The bar-staff appeared to be preoccupied with a pizza delivery rather than serving us. We were given ice in a drink when asked for none, and then she left it behind the counter as she went to serve someone else.
After a couple rounds and a bag of 'Playdoh' flavoured crisps later, we were sharply hustled out and asked if we wanted the dregs of our drinks poured into plastic glasses.
-Alex

Pub facilities / features: Food served Bar snacks Real ale WiFi Outside seating
Pint of London Pride, J2O, coke: £7.10	Alex - 6.0 Dave - 5.7 Oliver - 5.0

Pitcher and Piano

Right next to Richmond Bridge, this pub/bar has only two indoor tables, the rest of the seating is terraced out the front, although its quite well enclosed should the weather turn sour.
The bar-staff are employed for their facial hair styles and pretentious drink pouring 'skills', after which they will give you back your change on a silver tray, suggesting they should be tipped for doing their job.
It was impressively busy for a Tuesday night but we managed to find a place at the top of the terrace. Unfortunately on our right we had the tenacious smell of cigar smoke from a bald European man, and to our left we had a waft of cigarette smoke from two middle-aged 'birds' sharing a bottle of cheap wine. By 11 O'clock closing, the three of us inhaled enough smoke to power a steam boat down the Thames back home.
-Alex

Pub facilities / features: Food served Wine menu NO bar snacks Outside seating
JD & coke, orange, coke: £7.10	Alex - 6.1 Dave - 6.5 Oliver - 9.0

The Orange Tree

Another great Young's pub in Richmond (the other being The Old Ship). It's a beautiful well maintained pub, just how a traditional pub should be without all the stupid, quirky modernistic furnishings you get in the new bars. Plenty of comfortable places to sit and a mixture of young and old customers.
One peculiar thing was the price of a round. Buying exactly the same drinks from a different bartender worked out to be 20 pence more expensive. Not much, but it's still makes you wonder.
Look out for the strange woman who feels she needs to let the whole world know she's leaving the pub. No one wants to see you poking your head back round the front door and shouting back to your friends for the third time. Just get the hell out.
-Alex

I have often seen this pub with huge crowds outside it on a night out, but oddly enough have never been inside. Inside there were plenty of large sofas and chairs which made for comfortable seating. We sat ourselves at a low level round table surrounded by 4 armchairs and continued with our rounds. Event-wise there was not much to comment on, just us 4 and a handful of others all enjoying a quiet evening drink. The prices do seem to fluctuate on a half hourly basis but apart form that there are no downsides to this place I would happily return here again.
-Andrew

Pub facilities / features: Food served Bar snacks Real ale Wine menu Sport screen Outside seating
Pint of Foster's, J2O, pint of Young's Special, pint of coke: £10.47 / £10.67	Alex - 8.9 Andrew - 8.5 Dave - 8.2 Oliver - 8.5

O'Neill's

Probably the most popular pub in Richmond. Weekends are obviously the busiest and you'll find it hard to find a seat gone 8pm. It can also get quite rowdy when the live music or sports are on, but it's in a good location, cheaper than most, staff are quite affable and the menu looks quite nice...
..I actually had a taster today - it was stuck at the bottom of my pint glass (which was far too late to see something like that), a crusty cute little green thing it was. They also lose points for not selling crisps or nuts, which is probably a way of making you buy food off the menu.
Keep an eye out for the unshaven bloke who stands at a fruit machine all year round, with a pint in one hand and bunch of quids in the other, he never takes his jacket off.
-Alex

Quite a random pub this one, as I have mentioned on the Kingston Pub Guide, I am rather a fan of the O’Neill's chain of pubs and this one is no exception. The randomness of this pub is that it is quite easy to arrange to meet people and then miss them when you’re all in the same pub. This is mainly due to it having 2 entrances (3 if you count the beer garden). As Omar and I arrived we found a booth ad sat down waiting for the others to arrive, 20 minutes later we get a call asking where we are to find that Alex and Ollie had already arrived and sat down in another part of the pub. A nice large pub with a wide selection of quiet corners and overall in the traditional Irish theme. One of my favourite Richmond pubs for a while now and defiantly on the list to re-visit.
-Andrew

Pub facilities / features: Food served No snacks :( Real Ale Outside seating Live music at weekends
Pint of Foster's, pint of Tetley's, J20, orange juice: £9.80	Alex - 8.0 Andrew - 9.2 Oliver - 9.0

One Paradise Road

Anyone posting to this address probably gets pissed off from having to write out the first line twice.
Just up the road from the cinema, this little 'gastrobar' as I like to call it, was run by two young foreign girls. Although they had no ales on tap, we were pleasantly surprised to find they were offering bottles of London Pride instead.
It was a relatively quiet evening with a group of students in one corner talking about pregnancy and a business man on his Blackberry at the bar, all who left much earlier than we did. It became apparent that we had overstayed our welcome when all the tables and chairs had been stacked, and the barmaids were waiting by the door with their bags over their shoulders. Although, they were still very friendly as they unlocked the door to let us out. Perhaps they don't get many customers who stay past 11pm on a Tuesday.
-Alex

Pub facilities / features: Food served No snacks unless you want a plate of olives. Real ale TV Screen WiFi
Bottle of London Pride, orange juice, coke: £7.70	Alex - 7.7 Dave - 7.2 Oliver - 8.0

The Old Ship

One of my personal favourites. The welcoming atmosphere, character, friendly staff, choice of beer - it's all here!
An old traditional Young's pub with plenty of old oak and warped window glass right the way round. The slanting floor will inadvertently slide your buttocks off your chair but there's plenty of places to get comfortable around the central bar, with additional seating upstairs. The sports screens are thankfully tucked away and aren't overbearing like in some pubs, there's no thumping music to shout over either.
As an added bonus at the end of a night, you'll often see a random old bearded guy trying to order a beer or 8 bags of crisps. There's being homeless and then there's just being bloody greedy.
-Alex

One of our regular Richmond pubs we meet up at when not out on the guide, the Old Ship is a traditional pub of two halves, literally. The two halves are fairly identical but adds to a quirkiness of the bar that seems to go down quite well with the regulars, us included. The atmosphere is always welcoming, there is never too long to wait at the bar and the staff have always got a smile on their face when they serve you so this is the ideal venue for an evening get together. Again, this is one of our normal regulars so this is one we will be torturing to for sure.
-Andrew

Pub facilities / features: Food served Bar snacks Real ale Sport screen WiFi
J2O, pint of Youngs Special: £5.12	Alex - 8.7 Andrew - 9.2 Dave - 6.5 Oliver - 9.0

The Hope

We were looking for a place called 'Molly Malones', but after being unable to find it and trawling the streets using its address, we realised it had been taken over and renamed to The Hope (not sure if the name was chosen due to the fate of other local pubs).
It is a quirky modern pub, you'll find zebra skin seats, odd wall clocks and several chandeliers and mirrors dotted around. The design does work well.
We sat in the back garden (half of it was being dug up for what looked like landscaping reasons) until about 11pm when the owner released his Greyhounds, it seems that whenever dogs are around Andrew becomes a victim of their excitement.
They also have a Dyson hand-dryer which creates mutant ripples across your hands, which is nice.
-Alex

I was late this evening, very late, I didn’t arrive until gone 10pm, but in the small amount of time I spent there, I met the others in the beer garden but shortly after we moved inside as the temperature started to drop and they released two dogs in the back garden for a runabout, the seemed to be coming up to us (well, me) so the move inside was welcomed. Just on the outskirts of the high street, shortly on the way to Kew so it’s far from central in Richmond but still close enough to appear to do a good trade on the major nights out (Friday and Saturdays).
-Andrew

Pub facilities / features: Food served Bar Snacks Real Ale Outside seating Dyson Hand-dryers
Pint of Doom Bar, glass of orange juice: £4.65	Alex - 7.5 Andrew - 7.0 (30min visit) Dave - 6.9 Oliver - 7.0

The Mitre

"You're not from around here are you." said the white-haired barman. He was searching behind the counter for something we called a 'J20'.
"Is this what you're looking for?" he asked, dusting off the purple bottle.
The old man was right, the pub was so out of our usual jurisdiction, we had practically driven to North Sheen.
We thanked him and took our drinks outside to bask in the last of the evening sunshine. The three of us relaxed and chatted amongst ourselves, as the barman walked around, watering his many hanging baskets. The quiet residential area was made up of a pretty row of courtyard houses on one side, and a bunch of square council flats on the other.
I noticed that the pub was quite well respected by the locals, despite having very little clientèle. It's not often you see a lady run up to a pub with a bicycle puncture and ask for help.
Charming, and very traditional.
-Alex

Pub facilities / features: Real ale Bar snacks Sport screen Pool table Outside seating
Pint of Youngs, J2O, pint of Guinness: £8.30	Alex - 7.4 Dave - 7.3 Oliver - 8.0

The Marlborough

From the outside, The Marlborough looks to be your old run-of-the mill local pub. You'll need to venture through it's internals and squeeze though it's rear to realise how big it really is. When we got there, the back-door was bustling with people enjoying a BBQ, but it could have easily accommodated a couple dozen or more masticators.
After enjoying the last of the sunshine in the garden, we moved back inside, just missing out on the Tuesday quiz. Comfortable seating arrangements and friendly staff makes this another good contender if you're wanting to avoid high-street crowds. It gets mighty expensive if you're just ordering soft drinks though.
-Alex

As I parked the car up and approached the pub, I will be have to admit to being slightly apprehensive by the fact that 2 gentlemen lurking outside the alley 3 buildings away from The Marlborough. Both looked like rejects from a Charles Dickens novel and probably smelt as bad from that era, first impressions always last so with that in mind I thought that this pub is going to be full of sodomites and lecherous old folk who do nowt more than to prey on the young and dribble into their bean filled beards.
So, inside I go looking around for anyone who’s turned up thus far, I walk to the back which was looking more and more like a kitchen… I think I’ve walked too far, a lady approached “there’s more seats out back” she says. Poking my head around the corner I noticed there was a sign saying something about a conference, shouldn’t be here I says to myself (but managed to fight through later) and carry on walking back to the bar thinking I’m the first one here I thought.
I got served by man who bears similarities to a Viz character “16 year old disinterested fish and chip shop girl” except in this case, it was a bloke, obviously! Why did I even have to explain that? I don’t know, let’s crack on shall we? The Marlborough boasts of having one of the biggest backdoor (oh I say?!) gardens of any pub in Richmond (or London, I cant remember) but needless to say, it was pretty huge, very nicely laid out, masses of greenery, although on the personal level, I wouldn’t be too happy in the summer with the amount of insects and other flying creatures this woodland of a garden may attract.
Other than that there isn’t much to complain about in this pub apart from the prices, a little on the steep side, so students, take heed, this one is not for you!
-Dave

This pub is quite deceptive, looks quite small from the outside but goes on and on and also has, as advertised, the largest beer garden in Richmond. We made the most of this feature and grabbed a seat in the garden and enjoyed a couple of rounds before heading inside where we found a low level table with some square stools to have our final round before heading home. Being so far out of town and nearer the park this is probably more one for the locals or those who are on their way back into town form a day in the park. I know if I am on my way back from the park with friends it will be one of the ones I wouldn’t mind stopping at for a drink or two.
-Andrew

Pub facilities / features: Food served Bar snacks Wine menu Real Ale WiFi Lots of outside seating
Orange juice, coke, orange juice & lemonade: £6.59	Alex - 7.6 Alison - 9.5 Andrew - 7.9 Dave - 6.9

The Lot

Difficult to miss if you're just walking past, The Lot doesn't look like much from the outside. But once you get beyond the concrete entrance and venture inside the pub, you'll find it's bigger than imagined.
From the moment you walk in, it's obvious you'll find no one over the age of 30. It's more of a student union, with discounts offered if you are a student. Coming here on a Tuesday, it was relatively quiet and easy going. I'd be apprehensive coming back on a weekend, as there's a strong possibility it turning to a crèche for lightweight teenagers.
Apart from the wobbly stools (assumed to deter old people with dodgy hips), and the barmaid who gives you a bitter with 1/3 head, it's not a bad place... for a week day drink.
-Alex

On a personal level, being as this is my first review and first pub attended on Tuesday night pub crawl review weekly, I have to say, unless you were actually looking for this place it would be nearly impossible to find via car, this place is so well hidden it would almost be a contender for the Madeline McCann Hide & Seek championships. Ok, maybe not that hard, but my recently borrowed Garmin Nuvi Ultra sat nav is sometimes about as useful as a three legged blind donkey running the Grand National. Anywhos, back to the review. Being a very studenty bar, it had a very relaxed atmosphere, the service was pretty good, she smiled at me, which is an automatic plus in my books, although many a times I did have to physically point out to her what I wanted. “Can I have a pint of Guinness please?” “erm….cider you say?” “Erm no, that’s Guinness” a typical conversation would go…but she smiled as doing so, so all is forgiven. The retro arcade games, pool tables and jukebox makes for some late night drunken entertainment, although least can be said for its 1950s style sofa, and their overly dangerous stools which could give the leaning tower of Pisa a run for its money. All in all, a quality bar!
-Dave

Pub facilities / features: Food served Bar Snacks Pool tables Arcade Machines WiFi
Pint of Tetleys, J2O, glass of coke: £5.95	Alex - 7.1 Dave - 7.6 Oliver - 8.0

The Fox and Duck

We pulled up in the side road next to the pub, as we had suspicions the our suspension may collapse due the many pot holes in the carpark.
Entering through the back, we were served by a woman so depressed her face was almost dragging along the floor. They only had one ale available here, I don't know if Green King is supposed to taste like it had been passed through half a dozen people, but I can't say I managed to finish it. Stuck to the Guinness after that.
It was too dark to sit inside, and had to make do with sitting next to the main road where we were randomly heckled by passing drivers. It was strange that only started when Andrew turned up :)
Not all negative though, they did have a beautiful white Husky.
-Alex

This is probably the first pub in Richmond you reach when coming in on the 65 from Kingston, quite handy having a bus stop just outside it, however the only outside seating in here is practically on the pavement on the roadside. This wouldn’t be all that bad if it want a rather busy road with the occasional car full of chavs shouting some incoherent babble to whoever may be on the pavement at the time. The pub seemed to be staffed by woman and a wolf which seemed weird at the time but the level of trade was that they probably could have done without the woman being there.
-Andrew

Pub facilities / features: One ale Bar snacks Main road seating Gravel pit, aka carpark
J2O, Orange Juice and Lemonade,: £7.80	Alex - 5.6 Andrew - 5.3 Oliver - 5.0

The Dysart Arms

From the outset, my expectations of this 'pub' were quite high. I've driven been past a few times and it has always looked quite appealing, given the Tudor-like architecture and views over Richmond Park.
After almost running over a few geriatric joggers, we pulled up into the car park and walked round to the front. We were welcomed by two huge windowless wooden doors, no clue to if this was the right way in. Once inside it's instantly clear this is not a pub at all. It's a restaurant that serves a beer or two. There are no soft furnishings apart from cushions on the wooden chairs, the tables are either covered in cutlery or leaflets, and the lighting is subdued and candlelit. There's some whining jazz music being piped out in the background and a full sized piano in the corner (I can imagine it not sounding brilliant with all the hard flooring and walls).
We walked up to what can only be described as a counter, where apart from Adnams, it wasn't obvious what beverages were actually available. Upon request, a heavily accented German guy pointed to each tap and said something incoherent, after the second try at this, we just opted to point at a tap with hope it was something drinkable.
Due to the uncomfortable atmosphere, cluttered tables and wanting an area that wasn't invading someone's dinner party, we ended up sitting outside in the cold until Andrew arrived.
The Dysart Arms hopes to cater for those who like to pretend they are a class above the rest. To everyone else it's yet another characterless gastro.
-Alex

I wondered when I arrived why Alex and Oliver were sitting outside when it had quite clearly been raining earlier in the day. I got their orders and made my way inside to get the round in, and found first the unwelcoming solid wooden door with no windows, at first I thought it was a wall decoration and had a quick glance at the side of the building for the actual entrance, alas there was none and realised this was it. Went to the bar and had a look about while I waited to be served and the decor here was, well, plain. Stone floor, tiled walls, plain wood tables and chairs it was neutral colours all over. After looking at the drinks list (there was no other way to see what was on offer) I returned to the others with the drinks. When it was time for the next round we decided that it was too cold to sit outside anymore so headed in and I found the atmosphere as bland as the decoration, some jazz being quietly piped in around the place but that was about it. I doubt that I will choose to come here again.
-Andrew

Pub facilities / features: Food served Wine Menu Some Real Ale WiFi Outside seating Car park Depressing impersonal service
Two pints of Staropramen, orange juice: £9.10	Alex - 3.9 Andrew -3.0 Oliver - 2.8

The Dukes Head

Although we spent 30 minutes driving around trying to find a parking space (and have since learnt there was a carpark), I can honestly say this is a damn fine pub.
The Dukes Head has the perfect balance of traditional character. It's hasn't tried too hard to modernise, and yet it manages to avoid old-man-syndrome. Being tucked away behind the station on a quiet residential road, it's great if you wish to avoid the high-street crowds. Groups of young and old, comfortable seating, proper ale and a bartender who looks like she'd not take any crap from anyone.
A hidden gem for sure.
-Alex

This is defiantly one I would like to return to (and indeed have since our initial visit and must add the food is also good!). Defiantly a proper pub by definition of the word. Quite off the main road through Richmond this doesn’t see much in the way of passing trade and seems to reply a lot more on their regular locals which adds to a pleasant and welcoming atmosphere which seemed to be good for groups of all types and ages. If you’re looking for a place to sit down with friends and enjoy a few drinks then this is the place for you, if not then it’s probably wise to stay nearer the high street.
-Andrew

Pub facilities / features: Food served Real ale Bar snacks Sports screens Carpark Outside seating
Pint of Youngs, two J2O's, orange juice and lemonade: £	Alex - 8.9 Alison - 8.75 Andrew - 8.9 Oliver - 8.0

The Duke

Your typical gastropub, with emphasis on the gastro rather than the pub.
Getting our first round in, we were quick to note that the prices were rather steep, with some beers and ciders costing more than a Tesco Value Toaster (welcome to the world of increased duty).
We sat down at a table over by the front window and quickly became aware of a strange 'vibrating sensation' coming from the floor. For the couple of hours we were there it was nothing more than a light massage, but I reckon if you were there for the whole afternoon, you'd probably go numb from the waist down and have to drag yourself out the door using only your fingernails.
Overlooking the gastro there's an evangelical church, where dozens of cloned, little old ladies looking for redemption were hobbling out onto the streets during over the course of the evening.
To divert attention away from the hypnotising flow of grannies, I thought I'd try one of the £3 non-alcoholic cocktails, Mint Zinc I think it was called. It took 10 minutes to make and consisted of lumps of cucumber, sliced lime and crushed mint in a glass of ice. Perfect... if you want a face like a bulldog licking acid off a thistle.
-Alex

I was late this evening so the guys had already had their first round in before I arrived. Quite a modern looking place with big wooden tables and chairs but still reasonably comfortable. There really wasn’t much to comment on this evening that Alex hasn’t already mentioned, maybe it was because 2 out of 3 of us were drinking for once (I drove), or maybe just the uneventful atmosphere in the bar, Alex’s weird concoction of a drink with, what I can only describe as a stinging nettle in it was the highlight of the evening. We left way before our usual departure time (which is usually when time is called or after) and believe the place was probably still open when I got home that evening, just wasn’t too much keeping us there unfortunately!
-Andrew

Pub facilities / features: Food served Bar Snacks Real Ale (Tea / Cornish) Wine Menu Cocktails WiFi
Pint of Tea, orange juice & lemonade, orange Juice : £7.55	Alex - 6.3 Andrew - 5.3 Oliver - 6.0

The Crown

Being so far away from the town centre, The Crown's not going to draw a huge crowd, especially on a Tuesday. I was expecting that.
Arriving we saw three hunched over old regulars at the bar, one horizontally enhanced woman, two screens playing football and a barman. We ordered drinks and trundled off to the far wall, finding a place to sit down on two scrawled up leather couches (Wayne if you're reading this, someone with the initials V.H. left a message to say "you is well fit").
To give you an overview of the evenings entertainment, the main highlights were me knocking my pint over and a young lady walking through to use the rest-room.
With times as hard as they are, I'm not sure how long these places have left. Sure it was nice enough with good service and all, but it was a bit like an old retirement home. After these regulars go, who's left?
-Alex

A very spacey pub, on the outskirts of Richmond. While it was not very busy there were a few in to watch the football but quietened down after it was over. This meant very prompt service at the bar and even when there was some spillage asking for some napkins to clear it up, the bloke came over to mop up the table and clear the empties.
An otherwise uneventful evening if you don’t count the car talk between Ollie and Omar, and the downloading and playing of Wolfenstein on my phone by Alex.
-Andrew

Pub facilities / features: Food served Real Ale Bar Snacks Sport screens Outside seating Carpark Commode amenities* *Might be a lie
Pint of Fosters, 2 x J2O, pint of Youngs: £10.25	Alex - 6.0 Andrew - 6.1 Oliver - 6.5

The Cricketers

Ahh what better way of spending a warm, sunny Tuesday than in a pub on Richmond Green. The Cricketers is a small charming pub full of regulars young and old, with friendly bar staff and a fine selection of ciders / ales.
Upon seating, we noticed a game of giant Jenga. It was at this point we decided that if the tower should fall, that person would drink a shot of what they hated most. Although everyone at some point managed to knock the tower over, there were two of our small group that managed to knock their shots over in the process, therefore avoiding the forfeit. How very convenient.
In other news: Oliver baffled an eccentric handlebar moustache man by building a bridge of Jenga blocks half way off the table. Andrew was yet again fixated by TV adverts, and Alison suffered mental exhaustion.
-Alex

Off to the side of Richmond green this is defiantly a good summer pub, and a traditional one at that. While outside seating was available we decided to sit inside as it hasn’t yet gotten to quite that warm stage...yet.
we found a pair of sofas and settled in for the evening, and then started playing Jenga, whether or not they were actually there for Jenga purposes or decoration by the fireplace is still unclear but no one seemed to have an issue so we continued and all took turns in loosing, As Alex was driving his forfeit was a bag of Cheese and Onion crisps. No wonder he was annoyed when mine and Alison’s shots got knocked over by the ending of another game, it still meant I went to work the next morning with shoes smelling on Tequila and a bag that reeked of Sambucca!
-Andrew

Pub facilities / features: Food served Bar Snacks Real Ale Outside seating Large screen Jenga
Kopparberg Pear Cider, Smirnoff Ice, JD & Coke and J2O: £13.15	Alex - 8.1 Alison - 8.0 Andrew - 7.6 Oliver - 7.0

The Bull

Very much aimed at the younger market (mainly 18 year old girls, judging by the running and loud screams coming from the WC), The Bull quite frankly feels seedy and cheap. From it's horrible external brown matt paint, to its tacky internal Christmas lights, it is one I recommend to avoid.
Andrew was already drinking at a small table when Oliver and I arrived. Greeting him with some sci-fi DVD's, he unexpectedly got quite excited and managed to kick his beer off the table.
After choosing from the boringly common selection of lager and bottled beers, we moved away from the beer mess and sat down towards the back (anywhere else just felt like we were on an adult film set). Here we were - trying to get comfortable on cigarette burnt plastic seats in a dark compartment, with the only source of light being a blurry BBC News 24 LCD screen and a candle. Not my idea of a good time.
At around 23:15 a bored barmaid walked over and told us "Can you leave, the place shut twenty minutes ago". Being at the back we downed our drinks and made our way quickly to the door, only to notice people still chatting away and we were the only ones leaving... what's that about!?
The Bull does serve a purpose though, it keeps the riff-raff out of the nice bars.
-Alex

This is not so much as Pub as more a Club that’s open during the day, and the atmosphere does not change throughout. The seating areas are quite varied, while waiting for the others I was on a sofa with a low height table which was okay until you go to cross your legs and kick your drink over the edge. We relocated at this point to a more of a diner cubicle style area but the issue with this was that they had fit 4 of these into an area the really should have only had 3, this meant that not only was the gap to sit in quite narrow (something I admittedly had an issue with finding a comfortable sitting position in) but sitting opposite someone meant you were practically interlocking legs. While this works probably when talking to the opposite sex on a busy Saturday night, 3 blokes having a quiet drink on a Tuesday proves this is not a good design.
-Andrew

Pub facilities / features: Bad phone reception Hospital food smells better Bar snacks? Forget it.
Pint of Fosters, J2O, pint of Youngs, glass of house red wine: £8.35	Alex - 2.0 Andrew - 5.2 Oliver - 5.0

The Britannia

Tiny quaint pub, hidden down a small cobbled alleyway, just off from the high-street. A nice retreat from the packed shops and riverside on weekends. Although it has the charm of a traditional pub, it also sports a large plasma screen for sports and, although we didn't venture up ourselves, a roof garden. They also hold comedy evenings on weekends.

After being quickly served by the friendly barmaid, we settled at the front window. Probably wasn't the best place due to the seating which had collapsed leaving what looked like a trapped animal at one end (the photo doesn't do it justice). I can only imagine it was left like this as a shrine to the worlds longest binge drinking session.

Great little hidden gem, all the little quirks just give it character you'll normally not see in an ordinary pub. Make sure you stay to till closing, one doesn't want to miss the infamous giant green wheelie bin passing through the pub!

Returning here after refurbishment in November 09, gone are the dodgy sofas and sports screens.  In their place there are old people hunched over their pints, animal taxidermy in perspex boxes and some strange aboriginal music.  Someone needs to put a stool in the toilet for people with short legs, it's obvious they can't reach the urinals.
Come last orders I heard an old lady talking to an old man as he was leaving - "Try not to rape anyone on the green tonight dear...".  Ahhh, ain't that sweet.
We did get what was left out of the Amaretto bottle for the price of one measure though, so not all bad.
-Alex

A Very nice pub off the beaten track of Richmond, it is found down a small side road. The friendly bar staff were always quick to serve our order and although some of the seating was questionable and chosen by Alex and Ollie before we arrived we were able to spread out and continue quite happily.

Unfortunately passing the pub a mere week and a half later we found that I has since gone into administration, another casualty of the seemingly increasing numbers of bar closures in the area. A sad loss for sure, I'm just glad we got to experience it before it was too late.

-Andrew

Pub facilities / features: Food Served Real Ale Wine Menu Roof Garden
Amaretto & coke, JD & coke, orange juice & lemonade, tonic water: £10.90	Alex - 7.4 Andrew - ? Dave - 6.2 Oliver - 7.0

Shaftesbury Arms

After driving around for 20mins trying to find a non boarded up pub (five off our list have been recently closed up), we gave up and decided to visit the Shaftesbury Arms being as it was close to where we were.
A traditional family run business, with a welcoming atmosphere and friendly bar staff. Looked to have two areas, a bar seating area and a restaurant, which had some lovely looking food.
We had three rounds and a couple of shots. I don't know what it was, but I still felt quite drunk throughout the next day...
-Alex

I loved the log fire they had going in this pub, and the Thai menu sounded delicious..though I resisted the temptation. Was nice to stumble across a pub that hadn’t been shut down, and I’m glad it wasn’t because this was a lovely evening and a lovely pub.
-Alison

Well, after the 5th closed down venue on the list (and us being very thankful we went back to the car to head to the next one and avoid the 15 minute walk out of town to the 1st one), we settled at the Shaftesbury Arms.
This is defiantly one of your ‘local pubs’. The landlady seemed to know a number of the customers there but was still happy to pause a conversation to serve us our order. We found a corner, then switched to the other randomly, a continued on with he evening.
The evening was a fairly quiet one with not much happening, apart from Alex deciding on pint for the first time ever.
By the time the landlady very kindly came over to inform us personally that it was last orders we decided to resist the temptation of another round as we had already hit the shots and probably all feared it could be counter-productive, the mild hangover the next day was definite proof of this.
Food from the restaurant half gave off pleasant aromas throughout the evening and may even have been tested had dinner not been had before arriving.
-Andrew

Pub facilities / features: Food served Bar Snacks Real Ale Wi-Fi
Pint of Fosters, J2O, pint of Youngs, Smirnoff Ice: £11.05	Alex - 7.5 Alison - 8.0 Andrew - 7.3 Oliver - 8.0

The Angel and Crown

This is the place to come if you love your football, not for those with a nervous disposition I may add!
The pub was packed with supporters for the Liverpool vs Madrid game, and even though I don't follow the game, I felt like a proper geezer standing shoulder to shoulder with this lot. The pub literally shook when a goal was scored.
As soon as the game had finished though, we were pretty much the only ones left in here, so we found some comfy seats at the back and chilled out.
Other thing to note were the strange sweating jars behind the bar. Although the labels on them said they contained crisps and sweets, they had certainly fermented into a liquidised jar of goo. Most odd.
-Alex

This pub was full of men watching the football, and the atmosphere was a good one. Definitely the place to be if football is your thing! I arrived early and despite not being interested in football in the slightest, did not feel unwelcome! We were lucky to find a couple of very comfy sofas near the back and nattered the night away. An enjoyable night and quick service at the bar.
-Alison

Pub facilities / features: Football Football Football Outside seating
Bottle of Budweiser, J2O, vodka and lemonade: £8.00	Alex - 6.5 Alison - 7.5 Oliver - 8.0

All Bar One

One of the big chains you see in almost every town. Full mostly of people who have just left work and happy with the old 'you know what you're getting, so why try anywhere else' approach.
I'm going to tell you why you should try elsewhere. When I arrived I had to stand and watch for fifteen minutes as some pretentious woman slowly gave every glass of wine on the menu a sensory examination. This is with three bar staff (two of which were distant Europeans and obviously had little experience working in a bar). Finally, I ask for a 'southern comfort and coke' and was looked at like I was talking another language, eventually a barman stepped in and we got our drinks. Upon closing, a barmaid swipes our unfinished drinks and vanishes before we can say a word. What the f...
The crisps, cost £1.20, have the taste of cardboard and ironically display how they were specially made with 'bland crisps' in mind. All a bit rubbish.
With so many other places to go, I can see that All Bar One's only reason for being here is to make an easy profit from the Richmond workforce.
-Alex

As the weather was not so good this evening I headed in to get myself a drink while waiting for the others and then realised as this was an All Bar One (which I have been to the one in another town quite often) the drinks on offer are the more fancy foreign ones and not your standard selection (Fosters, Strongbow, Corona, and Budweiser are all strangers here). Finally choose one that I recognised and found a table, it was quite busy so I was lucky to find one that would accommodate all 3 of us. I noticed that the ambient noise level is very high, much like other All Bar One's the décor is wood panelling, wood floors and wood tables which causes a lot of echoing from everyone talking, and the sounds system could have been a few levels lower too, felt like talking with raised voices all evening (just adds to the echo). We were about to leave when we noticed a torrential downpour outside so stayed for one more (reluctantly) and as Alex wasn’t drinking we did the Snack round instead, shocked that an £8 jumped to nearly £11 by adding 2 bags of (rather tasteless) cheese crisps, Ollie reckoned it was the first time since we started Kingston that I had questioned the cost of a round, something worth noting!
Overall I’d say this place is okay for a quick drink after work, but not somewhere to stay for very long (unless its pissing it down outside and you have no choice!)
-Andrew

Pub facilities / features: Food served Real Ale Wine Menu Bar Snacks 66% Non-English Staff
Pint of Amstel, pint of London Pride, cranberry juice: £8.00	Alex - 5.0 Andrew - 6.5 Oliver - 7.0